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Adults of Unloving Parents — EMDR Therapy Austin | Trauma Healing ...

Unloving mothers are mothers who are emotionally distant ,cruel,hypercritical and withholding .Daughters of unloving mothers are victims of circumstance. I know of many Kenyans who consider it taboo to talk ill of parents especially mothers .Mothers are held in high regard and are viewed as angels .This is true but only for those who have received the warmth that comes with a loving mother .This kind of mother gets the praise ,she deserves the accolades any day any time .

Children have an incredible attachment and bond with their moms from infancy .Its where they get their first lessons on love and kindness .With a focus on girls ,the relationship between a girl and a mother is very important to their later development .A daughter first sees herself in the mirror that is her mother’s face.If her mother is loving and caring ,the baby becomes securely attached .This makes the child feel loved and lovable .

It is that sense of being loved and lovable that is going to open her (the child)up to the idea of being worthy of affection ,attention and and being seen and being heard .This builds her earliest sense of self which is an important part of a human being .The unloving mother mostly is emotionally distant ,cruel,hypercritical and withholding among other negative traits .She is incapable of nurturing an infant that is usually dependent on them entirely .The result is the little girl becomes uncertain of what to expect from the unloving mother and quickly learns to learn about the world herself .

Read also letting go of hurt and moving on

The effect of this is that the child learns to be avoidant in that they love the mother but they are always afraid to seek for its mothers attention because its unsure of getting it or the consequences that will come from seeking it .The other result is that the child becomes ambivalent in that it cant tell when the good mum or bad one will show up anytime she seeks for the affection.

The avoidant child grows up with a constant conflict between its need for the mothers love and protection from the mother’s emotional or physical abuse.The ambivalent child learns through the mothers uncertainty that the world of relationships is unreliable .

The main point is that a daughter’s need for her mother’s love is an essential driving force, and that need doesn’t decline with unavailability—it coincides with the terrible and damaging understanding that the one person who is supposed to love you without condition doesn’t. The struggle to heal and cope is a big one. This phenomenon affects many, if not all, parts of the self—especially in the area of relationships. 

The essence of exploring the effects of unloving mothers to their daughter is to help them identify a problem and then find solutions for them.Many people exist not knowing how bad they got hurt by their own mothers and as a result they continue to live with pain and struggle in various areas of their lives such as relationships both romantic and platonic .


1 Problems with confidence

The unloved daughter does not know that she is lovable or worthy of attention .Growing up feeling ignored or unheard or criticized at every turn is damaging to a child’s confidence . The most pronounced voice in her head is that of her mother, telling her what she is not .

For example things like she is not smart, brilliant ,beautiful, useful, loving, worthy or good enough. That voice will continue to undermine her accomplishments and talents, unless there is some kind of intervention. She will feel guilty to enjoy her accomplishments in life and even worse she might not accept praise because she doesn’t believe she is worth it .

2. Terrible trust Issues

Highlights from Medium's “Trust Issues” - Trust, Media and ...

The sad fact this daughters grow up believing that relationships are fundamentally unreliable ,it becomes difficult for them to believe relationships can happen without hidden agendas .Its shows with friendships and romantic relationships.A lady might find it hard to accept a friendship at the workplace because she doubts the genuineness .To her ,the other party must want something from her . In romantic relationships ,she might need constant validation .She gets jealous to an extreme because in her world nothing is granted for free especially love .she feels the need ‘fight for love’ otherwise she wont get any .

Also read trust issues and how to deal with them

3. Problems setting boundaries

Many daughters, find themselves becoming “pleasers” in adult relationships. They are unable to set other boundaries which make for healthy and emotionally sustaining relationships.They have problems maintaining close female friendships, which are complicated due to trust issues for example (“How do I know she’s really my friend?”) and not being able to say ‘no’ , or wanting a relationship so intense that the other person backs off. Insecurely attached daughters often end up never quite right but, somehow, either too “hot” or too “cold.” 

This is often true in romantic relationships as well.They might actively seek close relationships but are afraid of intimacy on all levels; they are intensely vulnerable, and tend to be clingy and dependent. 

4.Problems with seeing their the self accurately

The Self in a Social World. The Nature of the Self William James ...

Most of these daughters grow up with various distortions about themselves .Growing up being told they are ugly for whatever reason makes an adult who believes they are not pretty at all or pretty enough .Being told they are stupid and incapable of anything good makes them not to trying anything new because they are sure they wont ace it

.Being told they will never achieve much in life because they are good for nothing makes adults who believe the best they can have is the least of them all or nothing at all .This types of things makes one form a false idea about who they are and what they are capable of based on what they are programmed to believe .

5. Using avoidance To Divert Their Inabilities .

Avoidance - the root of all evil | Madison Psychiatric Associates

Missing confidence or being fearful sometimes puts the unloved daughter in a defensive state . so that she’s avoiding being hurt by a bad connection rather than being motivated to possibly find a stable and loving one. These women, on the surface, may act as though they want to be in a relationship but on a deeper,  less conscious level, avoidance is their motivator. 

6. Being over sensitive

Excessive, over, oversensitive, person, sensitive, sensitivity icon

She might be sensitive to slights, real and imagined; a random comment may carry the weight of her childhood experience without her even being aware of it. This means she might overeact to situations becomes they bring back past traumas ;Having a mother who’s discordant also means that unloved daughters often have trouble managing emotions; they tend to overthink and ruminate as well.

7. Replaying the mother bond in relationships

People tend to be drawn to what they are familiar with—those situations which, while they make us unhappy in the end, are nonetheless “comfortable” because they are familiar to us. While securely attached individuals tend to go out into the world seeking people who have similar histories of attachment, unluckily; the ambivalently and avoidantly attached do the same. 

This sometimes has the effect of unknowingly replicating the maternal relationship.You get into a relationship with someone who treats you the same way your mother did/does because its what you are used to and can accept easily.The patterns of emotional abuse /physical abuse start all over again .This daughters usually stay in this stay in this types of situations because they feel like home sadly .


  1. This applies to unloving fathers as well especially if it’s their sons looking up to them. Right?

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